Grief and loss are part of life, yet our American culture doesn’t seem to know what to do with grief. When loss occurs, people usually reach out to the bereaved, but as author Elizabeth McCracken writes: “Grief lasts longer than sympathy, which is one of the tragedies of the grieving.”
For those of us who are bereaved, how do we navigate our grief in this fast-paced world when we want to stop and get off?
After my daughter, Mary Rose, died an hour after birth of trisomy 18, I processed my grief with therapy and art supplies. Others join grief and bereavement groups. Being with people who have gone through similar situations is comforting. They survived, and so can we.
I also used a grief workbook called Mending Invisible Wings: Healing From the Loss of Your Baby by Mary Burgess and Shiloh Sophia McCloud. Using the exercises—which included meditations, writing, and drawing exercises, I transmuted some of my pain into art. Instead of ignoring my grief or numbing it with behaviors that might not be healthy, using a sketchpad allows the bereaved to create something beautiful for our loved ones.
Many bereaved people reach out to others in their own grief. Heidi Faith created stillbirthday.com. Cubby LaHood and Nancy Mayer-Whittington co-founded Isaiah’s Promise to support other families. I started a blog and wrote a book. We cannot “get over” the death of a child or loved one, but we can give back to this world by reaching out to others. Grief never leaves us completely, but we can find joy again. Spending time in nature and being with my family and friends, I pause and notice the beauty around me.
For those of us who know people who are suffering in grief, let us offer kind support. We do not know what to say, so many of us say nothing. If we are to be communities that support each other, we must nurture the bereaved. I have a few suggestions:
• Remember the loss. Write an email or send a note saying that you remember the person who died. Consider special anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays. My sister gave me a Christmas card telling me that she made a donation in memory of Mary Rose on that first holiday without her. This meant so much.
• Say less. Don’t repeat platitudes such as “Time heals all wounds” (it does not) or “Be grateful for what you have.” A person who is grieving is not ungrateful. She has a broken heart. Instead of thinking in terms of gratitude or grief, consider that the bereaved are both grateful for their blessings and mournful for their losses. The most comforting words spoken to me were: “I don’t know what you are going through, but I am here for you.” Be honest. Speak from your heart. Less is more. “I don’t know what to say,” is appropriate. It is your presence that matters most.
• Make small thoughtful gestures. Invite the bereaved for a cup of tea or a quiet walk. Stop by with a pot of soup or a book or plant. A quick email or text saying “I am thinking of you” weeks and months later means a lot.
In the aftermath of my own grief I realize that we have work to do to build our communities. It is my hope that together we can share our grief and our joys as we move forward after the tragedies that come to the living. I grieve, yet I love. I cry, but I laugh again. I hope that you will join me in reaching out to others and spreading love during the most difficult of circumstances.
Dianna Vagianos Armentrout is a writer and poetry therapist who lives in Suffolk Her book Walking the Labyrinth of My Heart: A Journey of Pregnancy, Grief and Infant Death was published by White Flowers Press. Her website is www.diannavagianos.com.
